Embrace Abundance by Danette May

Author:Danette May [Danette May]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hay House
Published: 2021-09-14T00:00:00+00:00

TOOTHPASTE

One busy morning Craig walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth, when he discovered that his very own toothpaste was lying out with crusties on the top. He started to get angry, and a story was beginning to take shape. “Danette doesn’t respect my things. Heck, she doesn’t respect my time. Now I have to clean this off and hope to get some toothpaste out so I can brush my teeth. She is so insensitive to leave it open like that. How long does it really take to put the cap back on and put it in the drawer? Why doesn’t she just buy her own toothpaste? She is so irresponsible!”

His stories were escalating quickly, and because he knew this was not going to be good for our relationship or having snuggle time with me later, he approached me and said, “Can we have a completion conversation about something later today? Let me know a time and place that works for you.”

We settled on later in the evening, when the kids were done eating and doing their homework. We went out for a walk so we could have some privacy, and Craig presented me with the facts of what happened: I used his toothpaste. And then he calmly laid out how it made him feel: like I don’t respect his things, his space, or his feelings.

My only job in that moment was to listen. To truly listen. Not to justify or validate or explain. I then put myself in his shoes. I thought of an instance when I felt like this before.

I thought about when my daughter borrowed my sweater and returned it dirty, and how that made me feel like she didn’t consider my things or me when she borrowed my stuff and didn’t take care of it. I told him, “I can see how it would feel like I’m not thinking about you. I’m sorry.”

And Craig said, “Thank you. I appreciate that you get it.”

How I chose to respond next is key to completion conversations. I told him the things I would do to make sure it wouldn’t happen again—either using my own damn toothpaste or at least giving him the consideration to close it properly. “Are we complete?”

“Yes,” Craig said. “We’re complete.”

Seems pretty simple, right? And yet our conversations with our partners, our children, our friends, and our co-workers hardly ever go this smoothly. There are a couple reasons why this works, and while they seem insignificant, they matter enormously.

The first step is asking to have the conversation later. This is so important, because if you try to have this discussion while you’re triggered, it’s going to go very poorly. If the issue matters enough to you to have a conversation about it, then it’s important enough for you to wait until you’re calm enough to discuss it rather than yelling or fighting about it.

It’s also helpful to give your spouse a little bit of a heads-up. I know that when Craig comes to me with

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